How to Stay Married

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They
had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had
kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a
shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she
would not recover.  In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the
box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of
money totaling $25,000.  He asked her about the contents. “When we
were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a
happy marriage was to never argue.  She told me that if I ever got angry
with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with
him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst
with happiness.  “Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what
about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

I’m still waiting for my friends to send me some Halloween Quotes

Update: I decided to include both english and tagalog halloween quotes and text messenges.

English Halloween Quotes and Messages

0526. What do you call a monster with no neck?  The Lost Neck Monster.

Tagalog Halloween Quotes and Messages

0529. Gusto mo bang masama sa isang pelikula? kasama mo pa nga sila, FPJ, Nida Blanka, Rudy Fernandez, Babalu at Rico Yan? Ang pamagat ng pelikula, Ikaw na lang ang hinihintay! ano payag ka ba?!?

0530. Kapag hindi ka makatulog, isipin mo na lang may katabi ka. Malamig, magulo ang buhok, at maputi ang balat. Oh, wag kang sisigaw, mahiya ka sa mga natutulog

0531. Pag ako namatay, gusto ko itong cel ko kasama sa kabaong ko…para pag namimiss mo ko, tetext mo na lang , tapos malay mo, unlimited ako, text text tayo heheehe

0532. Bakit ang mga multo mahahaba ang buhok? kasi baka pagtawanan lang sila, may pendong pa!

0533. If someone leaves you, don’t dare cry, smile and be happy. Pero bago mo sya palayain, ipagtapat mo ito sa kanya: isa akong DYOSA, pasalamat ka pinatulan kita! LAMANG LUPA!

0533. Ilan ang MULTO sa sementeryo??? Ilan? Edi MUL- TWO

0534. Junjun: Pa, may multo daw sa kusina natin?
Papa: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sa iyo niyan?
Junjun: Si Mama po!
Papa: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! wala namang multo eh! Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina at iinom lang ako ng tubig!!

0534. Multo: Awoooooooooo!!!
Bata: wag poooo!!
Multo: ok
Bata: nyay!

0535. Anak: Tay, totoo po bang may multo?
Tatay: Anak walang multo! Bakit mo naitanong?
Anak: Sabi kasi ni yaya merong multo!
Tatay: Anak…Tangina naman, wala tayong yaya!

More Halloween Quotes and Text Messages soon

A collection of Jokes and Funny Text Messages you can send to your friends

0361. A nice philosophy in life: “Everything always ends up alright, If things are not alright, then it’s not yet the end”

0362. DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”The pharmacist’s eye got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! “The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

0363. THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table.The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.??

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, “Mom, how many types of “willies” are there?
“The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree??”
Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

0364. NEW BOOTS
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He’s an elderly man and figures he’s not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.He walks into the house and says to his wife:
“Notice anything different about me?’”
Margaret looks him over, “Nope” she says.
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looks up and says, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.
“Furious, Bert yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’” ‘Nope’, she replies.
Bert Yells ‘CAUSE IT’S LOOKIN’ AT MY NEW BOOTS”

To which Margaret replies… “Should have bought a hat, Bert, Should have bought a hat.”

0281. Wag kang malungkot o magdaramdam kapag ika’y nag iisa…sapagkat sa mata ng DULING….ika’y dalawa…tandaan mo, hanggat may DULING, di ka nag iisa!

0282. Sabi nila: kapag nadapa ka, bumangon ka!
Sabi ko naman: Paano kung nadapa ka sa hubad na katawan ng taong kinababaliwan mo?…
Sige nga, babangon ka pa ba??!

0283. Kung nurse ka, paano mo sasabihin sa pasyente na mamamatay na sya?
Pasyente: Mamamatay na ba ako?
Nurse: Nanunuod ho ba kayo ng Marimar?
Pasyente: Oo.
Nurse: Hindi nyo na ho matatapos

0284. ‘pag may problem ka, lapitan mo lang ako, di kita iiwan.
Yayakapin lang kita ng mahigpit, at itatanong ko lang sayo…“ano ba gusto mo?” … matador, Colt 45. emperador o red horse??

0285. Seswertehin ka sa pag-ibig ngayong taon…kung magiging akin ka!!! yun yun eh

0286. he quantity of your happiness depends upon the quality of your thoughts …. think of me…Buo na araw mo wahaha

0287. BF: BlowJob mo ako Hon..
GF: Di ako marunong Hon..
BF: Madali lang, para ka lang nag sisigarilyo.Hititin mo.
GF: Ganun!? Palalabasin ko din ba sa ilong?

0288. I dreamed of you last night, naka upo ka sa tabi ng ilog, sad and alone and mukhang mabigat ang loob. Lalapitan sana kita at yayakapin, pero bigla ka tumayo, at nag punas ng pwet! hehe

0289. Madre: ano apelyido mo iho?
Sakristan: Alam nyo na po yun sister! lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan..
Madre: Susme! BAYAG apelyido mo?
Sakristan: Sister naman… ROSARIO po!!

0290. There was a turtle who fell in love with a cat
One day, the turtle visited the cat and said…”I love you with all my heart”
The cat replied:
“Kami na ni rabbit, ang bagal mo kasi!!

0291. Scenario : Nasusunog ang Malacanang
Guard : Mr. President dito po ang daan sa fire exit
Erap : Gago, diyan nga dadaan ang apoy eh!

0292. Boy 1 – Lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namantay 88 years old na.
Boy 2 – Ako lolo ko namatay 98 years na.
Boy 3 – Ala yan, Lolo ko sobrang tanda PINATAY na lang namin

0293. Sino ang mga unang tao sa mundo?
HUDYO: Kami! Kasi kami ang nagpapako kay Kristo
INTSIK : Bakit? Kanino kayo bumili ng PAKO?

0294. During the flight to USA.
Stewardess : Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumalit ang tenga nyo during the flight.
ERAP : Thank you!After an hour.
ERAP : Miss pano ba tatanggalin itong chewing gum sa tenga ko?

0295. While watchng the news yesterday about a kid killed by a bulldozer, our maid commented: “Kaya ayoko mag-alaga ng aso eh…”

0296. My cousin at a DRIVE-THRU: “Miss, puwedeng take out?”

0297. Also in a gameshow. Host: “Ano sa Tagalog ang ‘teeth’?” Contestant: “Utong!”

0298. My sister said of our neighbor who was our arch enemy: “Mamatay na sana kapitbahay natin!” I told her not to say that, coz it might bounce back to us. Then she said, “Ah ganun ba yun? In that case, mamatay na sana tayo!”

0299. From the gameshow “The Weakest Link”. Host Edu Manzano asked: “Anong ‘T’ ang ibinibigay ng konduktor pag nagbayad ka ng pamasahe sa bus?” Ian Veneracion answered: “TUKLI!”

0300. Sa isang gameshow, tinanong ng host: “Anong ‘P’ ang Tagalog ng ‘storey’ o ‘floor’ ng building?” Contestan: “PIP PLOR!”

Sent By:
RonJay
Dino
John

0201. Sa tuwing may tampuhan, madalas sabihin, ‘Sorry di ko sinasadya’….’Sensya na di na mauulit’…’Galit ka pa ba?’… di ba mas masarap pakinggan kung sasabihig ‘Eto P1000.00 bati na tayo ha?’

0202. Mahirap kapag walang nagmamahal…walang karamay sa problema…madalas walang kausap…malamig ang pasko pati na ang valentines…..Pero ang mas mahirap mag isa……’kapag naka sakay ka sa seesaw! di gagalaw! badtrip!

0203. Aaminin ko…sa lahat ng mga ka text ko…ikaw ang gusto ko..masaya kang ka text…IBANG IBA KA SA KANILA……kasi ….di ka nag rereply…

0204. DAD: anak bading ka ba?

SON: aba dad alam nyo ba na takot sa akin ang mga classmates ko? Respetado ako sa school.
DAD: talaga anak?
SON: Oo dad! tawag nga nila sa akin… MAHAL NA REYNA!

0205. May 2 lalaking magkapatid.
b1: Gising na dyan, kakain na tayo, pumili ka na don
Bumangon si b1 at tiningnan kung ano ang ulam.
B2: o isang tuyo lang yun, ano pagpipilian ko
B1: ang sabi ko pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi

0206.  Mrs. Tanoy is a very kuripot housewife. When her husband died, she in inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary. The ad taker said: “300 pesos for 5 words.” She said: “Pwede ba 2 words lang? ‘Tanoy dead’ ” Ad taker: “No mam. 5 words is the minimum.” After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: “Ok, para sulit, ilagay mo, “TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE ”

0207. Bata: Pabili po ng ubas. Tindera: Wala kaming ubas. [Kinabukasan...] Bata: Pabili po ng ubas. Tindera: Wala nga kaming ubas. Isa pang tanong mo, iistapler ko na yang bibig mo! [Kinabukasan...] Bata: May istapler kayo? Tindera: Wala, bakit? Bata: Pabili ng ubas.. ^,^

0208. An Eat Bulaga contestant was asked by Joey and Vic: “Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper?” Contestant: “Ahmm. . .Huling Hapunan?”

0209. In Wowowee, the question was: “Kung ang ‘sigaw’ ay ‘shout’ sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog ang ‘whisper’?” The contestant answered: “Napkin!”

0210.  We were marketing for an org event, when one of my orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors (Major, Minor, Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: “Lola, anong mas mataas sa Patron?” Her lola replied: “Patron? Eh di Shell!”