How to Stay Married

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They
had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had
kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a
shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she
would not recover.  In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the
box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of
money totaling $25,000.  He asked her about the contents. “When we
were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a
happy marriage was to never argue.  She told me that if I ever got angry
with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with
him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst
with happiness.  “Honey,” he said, “that explains the dolls, but what
about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

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Jokes and Funny Text Messages collection

• FROG: what does my future hold?
  FAIRY: you’ll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
  FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
  FAIRY: no. in biology class
• DIVORCE VS. MURDER
  A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”The pharmacist’s eye got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
  Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! “The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
• THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
  The family is sitting at the dinner table.The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”
  The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
  “Onions?”
  “Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.??

  This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, “Mom, how many types of “willies” are there?
  “The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
  “A Christmas tree??”
  Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

• NEW BOOTS
  Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He’s an elderly man and figures he’s not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.He walks into the house and says to his wife:
  “Notice anything different about me?’”
  Margaret looks him over, “Nope” she says.
  Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

  Margaret looks up and says, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.
  “Furious, Bert yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’” ‘Nope’, she replies.
  Bert Yells ‘CAUSE IT’S LOOKIN’ AT MY NEW BOOTS”
  To which Margaret replies… “Should have bought a hat, Bert, Should have bought a hat.”

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