0587. A GUD PIECE OF HUMOUR
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
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..
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What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

What u smiling for – get back to work….

0588. A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.
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..
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I think you bring me bad luck.

0589. ( FUNNY JOKE ) Does Management know their Staff ?

On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the

Company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, “How much do you earn?”

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such

A personal question, he replied, none the less, “I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?”

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed

$6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, “Around here

I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!

Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don’t come back”.

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner,

“And that applies to everybody in this company”.

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, “Who’s the young man I just fired?”

To which an amazing reply came – “He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!”

0590. male and female

Many times, people say that the women species talk too much…
But there’s no problem because the male ear is SELECTIVE
Example…
When the women say:
“This House is a mess, Honey
You and I need to clean this
Your stuff is all on the floor
you will be without clothes
if you don’t wash them now!!!”
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The male ear only understands:
bla, bla, bla, bla, Honey
bla, bla, bla, bla, You and I
bla, bla, bla, bla, on the floor
bla, bla, bla, bla, without clothes
bla, bla, bla, bla, now!!!

10 Conyo-mandments
by Gerry Avelino and Arik Abu
1.  Thou shall make gamit “make+pandiwa”.
ex. “Let’s make pasok na to our class!”
“Wait lang! I’m making kain pa!”
“Come on na, we can’t make hintay anymore! It’s in Andrew pa, you
know?”

2. Thou shall make kalat “noh”, “diba” and “eh” in your pangungusap.
ex. “I don’t like to make lakad in the baha nga, no? Eh diba it’s like, so
eew, diba?”
“What ba: stop nga being maarte noh?”
“Eh as if you want naman also, diba?”

3. When making describe a whatever, always say “It’s SO pang-uri!”
ex. “It’s so malaki, you know, and so mainit!”
“I know right? So sarap nga, eh!”
“You’re making me inggit naman.. I’ll make bili nga my own burger.”

4. When you are lalaki, make parang punctuation “dude”, ‘tsong” or “pare”
ex. “Dude, ENGANAL is so hirap, pare.”
“I know, tsong, I got bagsak nga in quiz one, eh”

5. Thou shall know you know? I know right!
ex. “My bag is so bigat today, you know”
“I know, right! We have to make dala pa kasi the jumbo Physics book
eh!”

6. Make gawa the plural of pangngalans like in English or Spanish .
ex. “I have so many tigyawats, oh!”

7. Like, when you can make kaya, always use like. Like, I know right?
ex. “Like, it’s so init naman!”
“Yah! The aircon, it’s, like sira!”

8. Make yourself feel so galing by translating the last word of your
sentence, you know, your pangungusap?
ex. “Kakainis naman in the LRT! How plenty tao, you know, people?”
“It’s so tight nga there, eh, you know, masikip?”

9. Make gamit of plenty abbreviations, you know, daglat?”
ex. “Like, OMG! It’s like traffic sa LRT”
“I know right? It’s so kaka!”
“Kaka?”
“Kakaasar!”

10. Make gamit the pinakamaarte voice and pronunciation you have para full
effect!
ex. “I’m, like, making aral at the Arrhneo!”
“Me naman, I’m from Lazzahl!”

0501. It was an ex-PBB housemate (1st batch) who said this: “Big Brother, ginagawa po nila ako laughing stuff…”

0502. My friend and I were walking up the stairs of our schools new bldg. She said out of nowhere: “Imagine mo kung di ginawa ‘tong bldg, umaakyat tayo sa hangin?”

0503. Nadia Montenegro promoting her movie: “Please watch ‘The Life Story of Julie Vega’, opening na po on the twenty-twoth of November.”

0504. In a burger joint I heard a man say: “Miss, isa ngang ‘amusing’ aloha at saka ‘kidney’ meal.” Server: “Dine in po ba or to go?” The man answered: “Ayoko ng sago!”

0505. I was making cookies at home when I ran out of cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: “Manang bili ka nga ng cookie sheet.” And she replied: “Ano po, solo o litro?” (coke is it)

0506. My friend said: “Ang galing ‘no, yung Ash Wednesday last year , Miyerkules din pumatak!”

0507. A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: “Ma’am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, ‘Hesus and Company.”

0508. While watching “Apollo 13?, after she heard the line: ” Houston , we have a problem.” My ex-girlfriend asked: “Sino si Houston ?”

0509. My aunt was going to the US for the 1st time. She told us: “Nagpapabili ang tita niyo ng ‘autistic’ guitar. Saan ba nakakabili nun?”

0510. I once heard an emcee say: “Let’s give her a warm of applause!”

0511. Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!!” Pasahero: “Boss, Cubao?”

0512. An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: “Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko…wala akong kasama…”

0513. I had a customer on the line who had a password on his account. I asked for the password but he forgot. I gave him a clue: “It’s a 4-digit number.” He answered, “Uhm…’ROCKY’ ?”

0514. I overheard a lady place an order at Starbucks: “One cup of chino please.”

0515. An officemate once asked: “Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong?”

0516. I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: “Uy, stripes din! It’s the color of the day!”

0517. When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, “Hey, I got a missed call!” My friend said, “Anong sabi?”

0518. We were reviewing for an exam and we were already dead tired. A classmate said, “Hala, brownout!” Pagtingin namin, nakapikit pala siya.

0519. A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: “Ma’am, I already changed your monthly period.”

0520. A home economics teacher asked us: “How do you make wet floor and tow duff?” Translation: “How do you make wheat flour and tough dough”.

A collection of Jokes and Funny Text Messages you can send to your friends

0361. A nice philosophy in life: “Everything always ends up alright, If things are not alright, then it’s not yet the end”

0362. DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”The pharmacist’s eye got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! “The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

0363. THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table.The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.??

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, “Mom, how many types of “willies” are there?
“The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree??”
Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

0364. NEW BOOTS
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He’s an elderly man and figures he’s not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.He walks into the house and says to his wife:
“Notice anything different about me?’”
Margaret looks him over, “Nope” she says.
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looks up and says, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.
“Furious, Bert yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’” ‘Nope’, she replies.
Bert Yells ‘CAUSE IT’S LOOKIN’ AT MY NEW BOOTS”

To which Margaret replies… “Should have bought a hat, Bert, Should have bought a hat.”

0281. Wag kang malungkot o magdaramdam kapag ika’y nag iisa…sapagkat sa mata ng DULING….ika’y dalawa…tandaan mo, hanggat may DULING, di ka nag iisa!

0282. Sabi nila: kapag nadapa ka, bumangon ka!
Sabi ko naman: Paano kung nadapa ka sa hubad na katawan ng taong kinababaliwan mo?…
Sige nga, babangon ka pa ba??!

0283. Kung nurse ka, paano mo sasabihin sa pasyente na mamamatay na sya?
Pasyente: Mamamatay na ba ako?
Nurse: Nanunuod ho ba kayo ng Marimar?
Pasyente: Oo.
Nurse: Hindi nyo na ho matatapos

0284. ‘pag may problem ka, lapitan mo lang ako, di kita iiwan.
Yayakapin lang kita ng mahigpit, at itatanong ko lang sayo…“ano ba gusto mo?” … matador, Colt 45. emperador o red horse??

0285. Seswertehin ka sa pag-ibig ngayong taon…kung magiging akin ka!!! yun yun eh

0286. he quantity of your happiness depends upon the quality of your thoughts …. think of me…Buo na araw mo wahaha

0287. BF: BlowJob mo ako Hon..
GF: Di ako marunong Hon..
BF: Madali lang, para ka lang nag sisigarilyo.Hititin mo.
GF: Ganun!? Palalabasin ko din ba sa ilong?

0288. I dreamed of you last night, naka upo ka sa tabi ng ilog, sad and alone and mukhang mabigat ang loob. Lalapitan sana kita at yayakapin, pero bigla ka tumayo, at nag punas ng pwet! hehe

0289. Madre: ano apelyido mo iho?
Sakristan: Alam nyo na po yun sister! lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan..
Madre: Susme! BAYAG apelyido mo?
Sakristan: Sister naman… ROSARIO po!!

0290. There was a turtle who fell in love with a cat
One day, the turtle visited the cat and said…”I love you with all my heart”
The cat replied:
“Kami na ni rabbit, ang bagal mo kasi!!

0291. Scenario : Nasusunog ang Malacanang
Guard : Mr. President dito po ang daan sa fire exit
Erap : Gago, diyan nga dadaan ang apoy eh!

0292. Boy 1 – Lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namantay 88 years old na.
Boy 2 – Ako lolo ko namatay 98 years na.
Boy 3 – Ala yan, Lolo ko sobrang tanda PINATAY na lang namin

0293. Sino ang mga unang tao sa mundo?
HUDYO: Kami! Kasi kami ang nagpapako kay Kristo
INTSIK : Bakit? Kanino kayo bumili ng PAKO?

0294. During the flight to USA.
Stewardess : Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumalit ang tenga nyo during the flight.
ERAP : Thank you!After an hour.
ERAP : Miss pano ba tatanggalin itong chewing gum sa tenga ko?

0295. While watchng the news yesterday about a kid killed by a bulldozer, our maid commented: “Kaya ayoko mag-alaga ng aso eh…”

0296. My cousin at a DRIVE-THRU: “Miss, puwedeng take out?”

0297. Also in a gameshow. Host: “Ano sa Tagalog ang ‘teeth’?” Contestant: “Utong!”

0298. My sister said of our neighbor who was our arch enemy: “Mamatay na sana kapitbahay natin!” I told her not to say that, coz it might bounce back to us. Then she said, “Ah ganun ba yun? In that case, mamatay na sana tayo!”

0299. From the gameshow “The Weakest Link”. Host Edu Manzano asked: “Anong ‘T’ ang ibinibigay ng konduktor pag nagbayad ka ng pamasahe sa bus?” Ian Veneracion answered: “TUKLI!”

0300. Sa isang gameshow, tinanong ng host: “Anong ‘P’ ang Tagalog ng ‘storey’ o ‘floor’ ng building?” Contestan: “PIP PLOR!”

Sent By:
RonJay
Dino
John