This is too funny – I still have tears in my eyes! Finally, a chain letter that I don’t mind forwarding.
It’s funny (don’t break chain)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done..

The monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do Not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ‘take this and eat it for it is my body.’ He did not say ‘ Eat me’

12)The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’..

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.

Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh.

You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken.

The Duck & the Devil (Chain E-mail)

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm.
He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.
He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target.
Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.
As he was walking back he saw Grandma’s pet duck.
Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square inthe head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his
sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, ‘Sally, let’s wash the dishes’
But Sally said, ‘Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.’
Then she whispered to him, ‘Remember the duck?’
So Johnny did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing andGrandma said, ‘I’m sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.’
Sally just smiled and said, ‘Well that’s all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help’
She whispered again, ‘Remember the duck?’ So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several day of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally’s; he
finally couldn’t stand it any longer.
He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.
Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, ‘Sweetheart, I know. Yousee, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.’

Thought for the day and every day thereafter?

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done… And the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.) …whatever it is…You need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing.

He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He’s just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.

The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness;
He not only forgives you, but He forgets.
It is by God’s grace and mercy that we are saved.
Go ahead and make the difference in someone’s life today.
Share this with a friend and always remember:
God is at the window!
When Jesus died on the cross; he was thinking of you!

More Chain Letters you can send to your friends

A married couple in their early 60s was  celebrating  their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic Married  couple  little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared  on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married  couple and for being loving to each other for all this
time, I will  grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around  the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two  tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is  all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will
never come again.

I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife  30 years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,  but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband  became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful  bastards should remember  fairies are female…..

SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A  GOOD LAUGH …. AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

More Chain letters and E-mail to follow

—————-

0471. It’s been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish… All before making a human. He made and provided what we’d need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw.  We’re such slow learners…

God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!

God’s Pharmacy! Amazing!   A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye… And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopene and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums.  Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don’t have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female – they look just like these organs. Today’s research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this?  It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries

Oranges,Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body’s cells. Today’s research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

SUBJECT: Psalm 46:19 ‘Be Still and Know that I AM GOD’

Please don’t break this even if you only send it to one person. Look at the date when this was started. Thanks NOTICE AT THE END, THE DATE THE CANDLE WAS STARTED. GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS. I am not going to be the one who Lets it die. I found it believable —Angels have walked beside me All my life–and they still do.********************* This is to all of you who Mean something to me, I pray for your happiness. The Candle Of Love, Hope & Friendship This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998.Someone who loves you has helped Keep it alive by sending it to you. Don’t let The Candle of Love, Hope And Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love! May God richly bless you as you keep this candle burning.

More Chain Letters to come, you cana even mail them through your emails