0501. It was an ex-PBB housemate (1st batch) who said this: “Big Brother, ginagawa po nila ako laughing stuff…”

0502. My friend and I were walking up the stairs of our schools new bldg. She said out of nowhere: “Imagine mo kung di ginawa ‘tong bldg, umaakyat tayo sa hangin?”

0503. Nadia Montenegro promoting her movie: “Please watch ‘The Life Story of Julie Vega’, opening na po on the twenty-twoth of November.”

0504. In a burger joint I heard a man say: “Miss, isa ngang ‘amusing’ aloha at saka ‘kidney’ meal.” Server: “Dine in po ba or to go?” The man answered: “Ayoko ng sago!”

0505. I was making cookies at home when I ran out of cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: “Manang bili ka nga ng cookie sheet.” And she replied: “Ano po, solo o litro?” (coke is it)

0506. My friend said: “Ang galing ‘no, yung Ash Wednesday last year , Miyerkules din pumatak!”

0507. A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: “Ma’am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, ‘Hesus and Company.”

0508. While watching “Apollo 13?, after she heard the line: ” Houston , we have a problem.” My ex-girlfriend asked: “Sino si Houston ?”

0509. My aunt was going to the US for the 1st time. She told us: “Nagpapabili ang tita niyo ng ‘autistic’ guitar. Saan ba nakakabili nun?”

0510. I once heard an emcee say: “Let’s give her a warm of applause!”

0511. Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!!” Pasahero: “Boss, Cubao?”

0512. An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: “Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko…wala akong kasama…”

0513. I had a customer on the line who had a password on his account. I asked for the password but he forgot. I gave him a clue: “It’s a 4-digit number.” He answered, “Uhm…’ROCKY’ ?”

0514. I overheard a lady place an order at Starbucks: “One cup of chino please.”

0515. An officemate once asked: “Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong?”

0516. I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: “Uy, stripes din! It’s the color of the day!”

0517. When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, “Hey, I got a missed call!” My friend said, “Anong sabi?”

0518. We were reviewing for an exam and we were already dead tired. A classmate said, “Hala, brownout!” Pagtingin namin, nakapikit pala siya.

0519. A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: “Ma’am, I already changed your monthly period.”

0520. A home economics teacher asked us: “How do you make wet floor and tow duff?” Translation: “How do you make wheat flour and tough dough”.

0486.  Bakit ang tao pag love mo, iiwan ka. pag naman iniwan mo mamahalin ka.pag love mo syang talaga,may love nmng iba, bakit ganun,magulo? tulad mo

0487. Biniro kita, ginago mo ko. Nasaktan kita, tinarantado mo ko. Sa lahat ng ginawa ko, mas matindi ang ganti mo. Kaya ngayon, tanong ko lang. Bakit di mo pinantayan ang ginawa ko nung mahalin kita ng todo-todo?

0488. Palagay mo ba madali para sa akin ang hindi ka alalahanin, isipin, at kalimutan ka na ng ganun ganun lng…sa tingin mo nakakahinga ako ng maluwag? huh?! di madali ang buhay ko kung namimiss kita!!

0489. Ang hangin kahit saan pwede pumunta, pwede madama, at pwede mo makasama…Samantala ako nandito mag isa habang iniisip ka.  Sana hangin na lang ako para sa mga oras na ito…Magkasama tayo…

0490. Minsan may bumatok sa’kin sabay sabi, “Matauhan ka nga! Hindi ka n’ya mahal at ‘di na mamahalin pa!” Nasabi ko na lang…”So, dapat talaga may batok?!”

0491. Noon minahal ka niya. Akala mo forever pero iniwan ka rin niya. Pinipilit mong ibalik ang noon pero hindi mo kaya. Sino ngayun ang manhid? Siya dahil hindi niya maramdamang mahal mo siya? O ikaw kasi hindi mo matanggap na ayaw na niya?

0492. Sabi naman sayo, eh. Wag kang maging sweet, wag kang maglambing. Tingnan mo tuloy ngayon. Kasalanan mo to, eh! Masasaktan na naman ako kasi mahal na kita, eh. Mahal na mahal.

0472. Bakit natatakot bumaba ang mga babae sa jeep sa kanto ng TINIO st, sa San Pablo?
Answer: Kasi ang sigaw ng driver “O yun bababa, KANTO TINIO NA”!!!!!

0473. Bata : Tay paglaki ko gusto ko katulad mo.
Tatay: Ang bait ng anak ko, gusto rin maging doctor.
Bata : Hindi tay!! gusto ko rin tirahin si YAYA!!!

0474. DALAWANG LASING ANG SABAY UMIHI.

Lasing 1 : Pare, sobra ang tigas ng TITI ko, Uuwi na ako at yayariin ko muna si Misis.
Lasing 2 : Sasama ako sa iyo.
Lasing 1 : Baket?
Lasing 2 : E, sa akin ang yang hawak mong TITI eh !!!!
More Tagalog Text Jokes….
0475. After having sex, panay pa rin hawak ng girl sa organ ng lalaki..
BOY: Gusto mo pa ulit ?
GIRL: Hinde… Namimiss ko lang.. Meron kasi ako nito dati ehh…

0476. INA: Hindi ba bilin ko sayo, kapag hinipuan ka ng bf mo sa dede say DONT! Kapag sa pepe say STOP! Bakit nabuntis ka ?
ANAK: Sabay po kasi hinipo eh,. kaya sabi ko DONT STOP !

0477. Nakakasalat
Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?
Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.
Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?
Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho!

0478. Boy Libog sees his mon licking his father’s balls
BOY LIBOG : Ano gawa mo mommy?
MOM : Kain lang mommy ng bola bola
BOY LIBOG : Takaw naman ni mommy. may bola bola na may lumpia pa!!!

0479. Boy LIbog sees his wife giving birth to their child.
WIFE: Hoy, tulungan mo ako dito!
Boy Libog came ang struck his penis inside his wife.
BOY LIBOG: Anak, KAPIT !!!

0480. WOMAN to DOC: Thank you for making me a virgin again for my wedding night. It was perfect, the blood, the pain ang it only cost 50pesos! How did you do it?
DOC : I tied your PUBIC hair together!

0481. KUMARE 1: Nag-away kami ng pare mo kasi gusto niya sa sex dog style
KUMARE 2: What’s wrong with that?
KUMARE 1: Eh gusto niya na naman sa DAAN din!

0482. In a rape trial, the vixtim was asked by a lawyer: Did you scream for help?
LADY : Yes sir.
LAWYER: Did anyone came?
LADY: Yes sir….he did… then I did

0483. STUDENT : Mam, how can we get BETACAROTENE?
TEACHER : Manood ka ng beta, kumain ka ng carrot, tapos humawak ng OTEN

0484. sa math class:
ryan:ARAY!!bakit ka ba naniniko??
raul: ayaw mo magpakopya kasi..
ryan:sumbong kita kay teacher,MAM SI RAUL PO NANINIKO!!!!
TEACHER: RAUL “ALAM MO BANG MASAKIT ANG MANIKO”?
raul:YEHEY!!WALANG PASOK NGAYON MASAKIT DAW MANI NI MAM!!!!

0485. WOMAN to DOC: Thank you for making me a virgin again for my wedding night. It was perfect, the blood, the pain ang it only cost 50pesos! How did you do it?
DOC : I tied your PUBIC hair together!

—————-

0471. It’s been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish… All before making a human. He made and provided what we’d need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw.  We’re such slow learners…

God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!

God’s Pharmacy! Amazing!   A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye… And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopene and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums.  Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don’t have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today’s research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this?  It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries

Oranges,Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body’s cells. Today’s research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

SUBJECT: Psalm 46:19 ‘Be Still and Know that I AM GOD’

Please don’t break this even if you only send it to one person. Look at the date when this was started. Thanks NOTICE AT THE END, THE DATE THE CANDLE WAS STARTED. GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS. I am not going to be the one who Lets it die. I found it believable —Angels have walked beside me All my life–and they still do.********************* This is to all of you who Mean something to me, I pray for your happiness. The Candle Of Love, Hope & Friendship This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998.Someone who loves you has helped Keep it alive by sending it to you. Don’t let The Candle of Love, Hope And Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love! May God richly bless you as you keep this candle burning.

More Chain Letters to come, you cana even mail them through your emails

0451. Sa Math Class…
Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang
piraso na?
Banong: 2 po mam!
Teacher: At kung hnati ko pa pareho?
Banong: 4 na piraso po!
Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
Banong: 8 piraso po.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
Banong: 16 po mam.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
Banong: 32 piraso na po!
Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING na po! GINILING!!!

Next Text Joke:

0452. SA BAKERY
Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba, sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?

Joke Time:

0453. ANAK: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANKTRAK!.
TATAY: ano ung danktrak?
ANAK: Yunn pong trak na 10 ang gulong na karga buhangin?
TATAY: Tanga inde danktrak un…TEN MILLER!!!
Text Joke Again?

0454. Honeymoon…
BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM- Kaya mo ito. Di ba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE- Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!

0455. BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali! Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di ‘nyo na ako mahal!
AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak?
BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!

0456. BF : May ibibigay akong gift sa iyo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman…
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi… PANGHILOD! SMILE!!!

0457. (Joke: Sa loob ng Mall)
GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since…

0458. JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?

0459. NARS: doc, bat tinanggihan nyo yung pasyente?
DR: alin, yung bakla?
NARS: opo. Baka sabihin namimili tayo, porke bading siya.
DR: ano naman raraspahin ko sa kanya?

English Joke:

0460. FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you’ll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class

0461. More Tagalog Text Jokes to come…

This post is brought to you by Laptop Skins on Techiegirl

0442. I never wished for someone who offer me the moon and the stars…Just someone to lay down with and watch them is enough…:)

0443. Valentine’s Day is…….. Single Awareness day

0444. In the spirit of Valentine’s day let’s celebrate LOVE in whatever form it comes….Partners, Family, Friends…. HAPPY HEART’S DAY!!! :*

0445. Valentines is not only for lovers… But should also be the time to reflect on our past lovers and hope that they are alive… alone…. and miserable

0446. More Valentine’s Day Quotes to come…

0422. The only way to know if the person you love really loves you…
is when you give him/her the taste of hell…
yet…s/he still feels like heaven with you

0423. It’s when your mind says let go, but your heart tells you to hold on
It’s when you dream of that person almost every night only to wake up in the morning with tears in your eyes… and most of all, it’s when no matter how you try to forget that person, you just can’t … ‘coz of the fact that you love that person and you just don’t know why

Sad Quotes for lost love

0424. They met. But the timing isn’t right.
She had her reasons & he had his.
They’re both confused. So they decided to part ways.
She wants him to wait, he said he will. Whatever it takes..
Years later, they saw each other. But too much time has passed. Too late to make it work.
People change, so as the heart

0425. Why do you always look for someone perfect when what you really need is someone real?
Why do you take for granted someone who cares a lot for you?
Why do you fool around when you know someone gets hurt?
The answer is simple: ’cause you love and value yourself more than anyone else that you fail to value those who love you more than themselves

0426. More Sad Love Quotes to follow…

Texted by:
Jay
Noel

0401. A doctor is in danger of losing his license to practice medicine. He was caught having sex with his patients. Its such a shame. Sayang talaga, he was a good veterinarian pa naman

0402. Ano english ng ‘Baka masuwerte ako’? … ‘Beef Lucky Me’
Ano english ng ‘Masuwerte ako Inay’? … ‘Lucky me mami’
Ano english ng ‘Masuwerte akong lalaki?…’Lucky me with egg’

0403. During the cremation: All the relatives stood in silence. Everybody was silent till a child suddenly asked out of curiousity…’Ma, hindi pa ba luto?’

0404. Did you know that:
- Cockroaches have fingers and nails?
-rats are visual learners?
-ball pens in the earlier times are used as needles in making umbrellas?
-the saliva of an ostrich is used in making cheese?
Galing no?
lahat yan, imbento ko lang hahaha!

0405. PASYENTE: Magkano mag pa face lift?
DOCTOR: Yung complete treatment, PHP145,000.00
PASYENTE: And mahal! ano ba pinakamura para mag mukha akong bata?
DOCTOR: Eto Tsupon, 20.00 lang!
Here are some Tagalog Funny Jokes and Text messages that you can send to your friends

0406. Limit your sex life. Do it only on days that start with letter ‘T’
Tuesday,Thursday, Today, Tonite, Tomorrow, Tatorday, Tanday, Taumaga, Tatanghali, tagabi, tahapon

0407. Boy Abunda: Kung ihahalintulad mo ang iyong sarili sa isang kasangkapan sa bahay, ano ka?
Mahal: Kachi chimple lang ako ticho boy…Chiguro chupa, mahilig chalaga ako cha chupa…ancharap kachi minchan machulog cha chupa…

0408. Juan to Poso Negro Services on the phone:
Juan: Hello, Good Morning manong, humihigop po ba kayo ng poso negro?
PNS: Yes sir, bakit po?
Juan: Masarap??

0409. PANGIT MO!
P-erfect
A-ttractive
N-ice
G-orgeos
I-ntelligent
T-ulad ko!
NAKS!.. Ngiti sya. Kala mo kung ano na no? i-Forward mo rin sa ibang PANGIT!

0410. Sabi nila, Love make your heart beat fast…
Your Body feel flushed with excitement, and your mind go around in circles…
Love kaya yon?!
O gutom lang?!!

0411. 3 monkeys escaped from the zoo.
the first was caught watching tv…
the second was caught in the park…
and the third…
..
..
Hindi Ikaw!
Bakit lagi mo na lang iniisip na unggoy ka? wag ganun!!

0412. When I wad in grade 1 my teacher gave me question. about what i want to be when i grow up.I answer happy.
Teacher:You didn’t understand the question.
Kid:you didn’t understand life..
dugo ilong nya ehh grade 1 plng ako

0413. JOKES:
APO: La punta ka ba sa tipar?
LOLA: Ano ang tipar apo?
APO: TIPAR is party!
LOLA: SOS!! walang kwentang salita PS kayong lahat..!!
APO: Ano yung PS lola?
LOLA: PAKING SHIT!!

0414. son to his dad…SON: dad baket nyo ako pinangalanan na Conrado Domingo…now my friends call me CONDOM…

Grab that cellphone and text some jokes to your friends now!

More Jokes

Sent/Texted by:
loraine
Jean
Kio
Jay
Noel

0382. One day you’ll look at a person and see more than you did before..Like a switch that was flicked from nowhere and the person who was just a friend, is suddenly the person you just can’t live without…

0383. I may failed to say that I care
I may have failed to open up and to share
But though no words have been spoken..
I swear..
I’ll always be someone who cares…
Happy Valentine’s Day

0384. I never been good with expressing what I feel..but I hope in some way, somehow I have made you feel that you are very much appreciated…that you’ve just made me enjoy life …thanks for everything

0385. So many of us fear tomorrow or regret yesterday. Me? I won’t fear tomorrow If I’d get to be with you and I don’t regret yesterday, because one yesterday..i met you Happy Valentine’s Day!

A Valentine’s day message for that secret love

0386. Saying goodnight is not just putting an end to a day…It’s a way of saying I remember you before I go to sleep…Hope you could have the most wonderful dream tonight. Good Night

0387. My voice is too soft for you to hear. My actions are too weak for you to see. But if you would only listen carefully, you’ll hear the sound of my heart that says…from now ’till forever I’ll always be here

0388. More Valentine’s day quotes to come…

Valentine’s day is a special day, tell your loved one’s you remember them on this special day, even simply by sending them some valentine’s day quotes and text messages or simply sending them, a ‘Happy Valentine’s day’ Greeting

Happy Hearts day!!!

A collection of Jokes and Funny Text Messages you can send to your friends

0361. A nice philosophy in life: “Everything always ends up alright, If things are not alright, then it’s not yet the end”

0362. DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”The pharmacist’s eye got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! “The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

0363. THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table.The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.??

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, “Mom, how many types of “willies” are there?
“The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree??”
Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

0364. NEW BOOTS
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He’s an elderly man and figures he’s not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.He walks into the house and says to his wife:
“Notice anything different about me?’”
Margaret looks him over, “Nope” she says.
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looks up and says, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.
“Furious, Bert yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’” ‘Nope’, she replies.
Bert Yells ‘CAUSE IT’S LOOKIN’ AT MY NEW BOOTS”

To which Margaret replies… “Should have bought a hat, Bert, Should have bought a hat.”