0501. It was an ex-PBB housemate (1st batch) who said this: “Big Brother, ginagawa po nila ako laughing stuff…”

0502. My friend and I were walking up the stairs of our schools new bldg. She said out of nowhere: “Imagine mo kung di ginawa ‘tong bldg, umaakyat tayo sa hangin?”

0503. Nadia Montenegro promoting her movie: “Please watch ‘The Life Story of Julie Vega’, opening na po on the twenty-twoth of November.”

0504. In a burger joint I heard a man say: “Miss, isa ngang ‘amusing’ aloha at saka ‘kidney’ meal.” Server: “Dine in po ba or to go?” The man answered: “Ayoko ng sago!”

0505. I was making cookies at home when I ran out of cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: “Manang bili ka nga ng cookie sheet.” And she replied: “Ano po, solo o litro?” (coke is it)

0506. My friend said: “Ang galing ‘no, yung Ash Wednesday last year , Miyerkules din pumatak!”

0507. A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: “Ma’am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, ‘Hesus and Company.”

0508. While watching “Apollo 13?, after she heard the line: ” Houston , we have a problem.” My ex-girlfriend asked: “Sino si Houston ?”

0509. My aunt was going to the US for the 1st time. She told us: “Nagpapabili ang tita niyo ng ‘autistic’ guitar. Saan ba nakakabili nun?”

0510. I once heard an emcee say: “Let’s give her a warm of applause!”

0511. Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!!” Pasahero: “Boss, Cubao?”

0512. An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: “Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko…wala akong kasama…”

0513. I had a customer on the line who had a password on his account. I asked for the password but he forgot. I gave him a clue: “It’s a 4-digit number.” He answered, “Uhm…’ROCKY’ ?”

0514. I overheard a lady place an order at Starbucks: “One cup of chino please.”

0515. An officemate once asked: “Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong?”

0516. I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: “Uy, stripes din! It’s the color of the day!”

0517. When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, “Hey, I got a missed call!” My friend said, “Anong sabi?”

0518. We were reviewing for an exam and we were already dead tired. A classmate said, “Hala, brownout!” Pagtingin namin, nakapikit pala siya.

0519. A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: “Ma’am, I already changed your monthly period.”

0520. A home economics teacher asked us: “How do you make wet floor and tow duff?” Translation: “How do you make wheat flour and tough dough”.

A collection of Jokes and Funny Text Messages you can send to your friends

0361. A nice philosophy in life: “Everything always ends up alright, If things are not alright, then it’s not yet the end”

0362. DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”The pharmacist’s eye got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide! “The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

0363. THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table.The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.??

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, “Mom, how many types of “willies” are there?
“The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree??”
Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

0364. NEW BOOTS
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He’s an elderly man and figures he’s not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.He walks into the house and says to his wife:
“Notice anything different about me?’”
Margaret looks him over, “Nope” she says.
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looks up and says, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.
“Furious, Bert yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’” ‘Nope’, she replies.
Bert Yells ‘CAUSE IT’S LOOKIN’ AT MY NEW BOOTS”

To which Margaret replies… “Should have bought a hat, Bert, Should have bought a hat.”